I was just thinking about a scene from Dead Poets Society where Robin Williams first meets the new students at the private boys academy he is teaching at. It is a very uptight academy where the students are taught dry subjects like Latin by rote but Robin is this rather eccentric character and the first thing that he does when they enter his class for the first time is take them out in the hall. He has them read from Wordsworth (I think), "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may" and asks them to look at the photos on the wall of past classes from like a hundred years ago and he tells them to look closely at the faces of the young men in the pictures and then he points out that now these young men in the pictures who are so filled with promise are all dead, fertilizer for daffodils. "Seize the day, make your lives extraordinary" he tells them. Actually I really never cared for that movie (or Robin Williams except for maybe The World According to Garp and certainly not Mork and Mindy or the god awful Patch Adams) but I went to a training class about five years ago and I hate trainings because they are usually boring and awful but this one was so good, and the trainer showed that portion of the video to illustrate how teaching can really inspire. I was working in training and development at the time (kind of ironic considering my previous comment about training being awful and boring) and I began showing that video snippet in a training class we did. I don't know that others were that moved by it but I always felt like running out and accomplishing something great after watching that. Damn it, I am going to seize the day! But then about four hours later I'd be at home watching Project Runway or shopping at Target, making my life rather ordinary. I think this ties into my topic in that people come to the end of their lives with regrets and how do we as social workers help them accept their life has had meaning and come to terms with their impending death and have some resolution. I took a class in Sociology called death and dying, and we talked about the five stages of dying according to Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I'm sure most of your remember that. Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance (I forget the other stage) but how do people reach acceptance. How does a social worker with hospice help a patient accept that they have done the best they could and help them die in peace? I don't know but I guess we can start by "meeting them where they are at."
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6 comments:
I agree with you-we need to meet them where they are. People, young and old, often realize past life events they wish they could change. In the SW profession, we can't say if a person should remember the "good times"; there may not have been any good times for them. We can only meet them where they are, and "stop and smell the roses" at that point in time, and try to enjoy the rest of life's flowers while there is still time.
I agree with almost every thing that you said. The only part that I did not agree with is that I liked the movie and I like Patch
Adams. My husbands grandmother died last Dec. and she had alot of regrets. This made here a bitter old women in her last 15 years. This not only affected her death but also her life. She became reclusive and would barely speak to her children. You could forget her speaking to the grandchildren. I went to see her several times before she died and she said maybe 10 words total to me combined. It is sad to think that many elderly people go through this situation. The main thing that most people miss is how this subject affects the family. I know that it was hard on my father inlaw who went to see his mother at the assisted living center several times a week often spending two hours there trying to have a conversation with his mother. I could tell that he felt abbandoned. Today's youth does not respect their elderly much less see what the elderly could possibly teach them. As a society in whole we need to begin paying more attention to our elderly they have much to teach us and who knows by giving them the time of day we may help them work out the issues of having regrets. They may realize that they had a good life and my even die a little happier knowing that in the end they helped a member of our young society.
I wish I had an answer for you Sara. How do we console the dying? Do they believe they have had a fulfilling life or that they have done everything they ever wanted to. I doubt they do feel satisfied, especially if they are told they are dying and live for only a few months after. I do not think that they will reach all of the stages before death. My uncle died a couple of weeks ago form cancer. He was only 52. I never really never knew what to say to him after he found out he had cancer. I felt selfish because I did not want to feel uncomfortable, when he was the one dying. I did speak with him a couple of times over his last months. Most of the time he did not want to talk, and kept to himself. This was very odd, considering he used to call and love to talk to anybody who would listen. On our last conversation he told me he was being discharged from the hospital and going home to die. Right before he died he said God Bless Me. I hope he found peace over his last few months here, but I do not know. Death is always hard to accept, especially if you know you are dying.
First of all, I'm going to have to get you back ('Hannah and Her Sisters' is fantastic...but better than 'Annie Hall'?) by partially disagreeing with you on Robin Williams. Sure, he has made some clunkers, but his role in 'Good Will Hunting' alone more than makes up for them (of course, I romanticize that film all out of proportion anyway, so naturally I would think so). But all kidding aside, I guess I've always (due to my cynical nature, I suppose) viewed sayings like 'Carpe Diem' as cheap, somewhat meaningless phrases that function to provide a false sense of inspiration and make us feel all 'warm and fuzzy' inside. And, as you alluded to, we're generally 'inspired' for about five minutes before we revert back to our complacent selves. But could this concept have real meaning for someone who is staring death in the face? Today I found out I will be working with a terminally ill client, something with which I have no prior experience (I work with mentally ill adults). This, suffice to say, terrifies me. When I made my initial contact today, he told me that his doctors had given him 3-6 months to live due to the deteriorating function of his kidneys. I reacted by insisting that I make my assessment visit today so I could begin addressing his needs immediately (unless it is a crisis situation I generally let the client make that call). But he calmly said that today was not a good day and asked, "Can you come next Tuesday?" My inner-self was saying, "No, no, no...," but I calmly responded that that would be fine. I suppose he needed a little time to come to terms with it- he was just told this yesterday. Today's experience was obviously what compelled me to comment on your blog. Can I legitimately throw out catchphrases like 'seize the day' to a dying man, as if I have some idea of what he is going through? I don't know and I don't really know how to handle this. So any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Maria Hernandez Peck was one of my instructors in gradual school. The day my sister called to tell me my mother had cancer and 8 months to live (8 months? do they have a death meter?) I went to class, walked in about 10 minutes late and, didn't unpack my backpack. I didn't know she was sick - nobody knew. That lecture was about the death of her mother, and how she wished that she had spoken with her mother about dying - not just last wish kind of things, but about dying.
Later that year, I stayed with my mother for about 2 weeks. We were sitting on the couch looking out the window. Her hair had fallen out from the chemo and she was wearing a soft pink terri turban I brought with me from Washington. As we looked out the window, I noticed buzzards perching in the trees across the road. I asked her what they were doing so close to the house. Not missing a beat, she answered, "Probably waiting for me to die" then looked at me and smiled. I laughed and she laughed and we laughed until we cried. So, we talked about dying. She and Maria taught me it's like talking about anything else...one word at a time.
My family faced this issue recently with my father. He lived with my sister and when her family had the chance to go to Australia for several weeks this summer, we arranged for Daddy to stay temporarily in an assisted living. My sister and I went and spent time with him or brought him back to her house for meals and to do things with us as our schedules permitted. It was surprising to see that he was really not ready for assisted living despite his health issues and increasing frailty. When I would have meals with him at the facility, he was surrounded by people towing oxygen tanks and using walkers and wheelchairs and who had memory issues. Daddy wore glasses and used a cane when he was out in public and that was the extent of his support devices. My Dad was also still very sharp and in control of his affairs and faculties. We decided not to push assisted living for him at that time agreeing that he was not at that point. The problem was he didn't, or rather my sister he lived with didn't, have any type of in between support to help her maintain my Dad in her home. He didn't require a nurse or home health aid, yet my sister never felt right having him at home unstimulated while her family was at work and school. There was always a chance that he could have an accident as well. Electronic devices- "Help I've fallen ....." helped with this, but it would have been great if her community had some type of senior center my Dad could have accessed easily. What was available had limited hours and was utilized by people who were not able to be as interactive as my Dad was and Daddy would have been insulted by crafts and singing as activities when he enjoyed discussing politics, history, and books.
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