"Old age is no place for sissies"
Bette Davis
This blog has been about growing old and basically dying. It is something that most people struggle to accept. We know that everyone else will die but we think we are the exceptions. It is just something that I think most of us struggle to get our head's around. We can accept the concept of death when it relates to others that we don't know but not when it involves our loved ones or ourselves. It is always a big surprise when it happens. My grandfather died at the age of 89 but I still remember feeling like something tragic and unexpected had happened. Why him, cut down in his prime! How is it possible for people we love to suddenly be gone never to be seen or spoken to again in our lifetime? We talk matter-of-factly about how we would like our bodies to be disposed the way we might talk about our favorite ice cream flavor. Why? Because it doesn't seem real! or because we think by talking without fear about our grand finale we can will ourselves to feel less afraid. A woman I know paid quite a lot of money for her drawer at the mausoleum because she doesn't like the idea of being below ground (which on some strange level I understand). I prefer cremation myself. All cultures have their rituals for death. I actually gave one of my speechs in communications class on death rituals around the world in my undergraduate years. I think if I tried really hard I could remember it all right now 20 years later. Nice to know I still have that crystallized intelligence thing going on. When I look around and think what do we need in this country, I think two things:
affordable, nice assisted living for the elderly and affordable, nice assisted living for the disabled.
What does nice mean? It means whatever the people who are living there want it to mean. However, I have yet to meet someone who did not wish to be treated with dignity and respect.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Aging into Saging
I am in Indianapolis this week attending a conference for work and I thought I would share some of what I learned today. Wish you could be here sitting with me in a straight back banquet chair for five days on a permanent caffeine high trying to stay awake. (boo hiss the Embassy Suites charges $10.00 a day for internet access and I just paid $2.00 for a soda from the vending machine)
The first speaker talked about what he does which is talking to seniors about being more involved in the community and one thing that he said was that volunteering has a greater impact on reducing levels of mortality than attending church or exercising. He cited an author, Zalman Schater Shalomi, who wrote a book "Turning Aging into Saging" obviously I don't want a four page blog that no one will read but one interesting thing that he said was elders must resume the role that previous generations of elders had and part of that is serving future generations. He quoted the Great Law of the Iroquois "In every deliberation we must consider the impact on the 7th generation" I think this is what Erickson refers to when he talks about ego integrity. The elderly and society have suffered because of the diminished role they now play in a culture that does not value them. Would they not have had some sound advice about buying on credit and not saving after living through the great depression that might have prevented the current financial crisis that we are in?He suggests that elderly people began harvesting their wisdom, as he called it, by doing a life review. You look back on your life in 7 year segments. And think about who did I know during those 7 years? What events went on? What happened in that phase that contributed to who I am and my life? This helps you determine who you are and your mission. Gifts+vision+values+passion=mission. There is alot more but I thought that would be interesting to look back at one's life and ask those questions. We also had a speaker that talked about elder abuse and just some surprising statistics that she gave: the majority of elders that are abused live in their own homes, are females over 80 and are abused by family members. She ended with reading this following letter that I have heard many times, supposedly left behind by an elderly person and found after they died, that may or may not be true but it always brings tears to my eyes and reminds me that I owe the people that I have been hired to assist my very best:
What do you see, nurse... what do you see?
Are you thinking - when you look at me: "A crabbed old woman, not very wise;
Uncertain of habit with far-away eyes, Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice 'I do wish you'd try.'"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe;
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you're thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse. You're not looking at me!
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still.
As I move at your bidding, eat at your will:
I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another;
- A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon a love she'll meet;
- A bride at twenty, my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep;
- At twenty-five now I have young of my own
Who need me to build a secure, happy home.
- A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast.
Bound together with ties that should last.
- At forty, my young sons have grown up and gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;
- At fifty once more babies play 'round my knee
Again we know children, my loved ones and me...
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm an old woman now, and nature is cruel.
'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart.
There is a stone where I once had a heart.
I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last;
So open your eyes, nurse, open and see...
not a crabbed old woman.
Look closer... see me
The first speaker talked about what he does which is talking to seniors about being more involved in the community and one thing that he said was that volunteering has a greater impact on reducing levels of mortality than attending church or exercising. He cited an author, Zalman Schater Shalomi, who wrote a book "Turning Aging into Saging" obviously I don't want a four page blog that no one will read but one interesting thing that he said was elders must resume the role that previous generations of elders had and part of that is serving future generations. He quoted the Great Law of the Iroquois "In every deliberation we must consider the impact on the 7th generation" I think this is what Erickson refers to when he talks about ego integrity. The elderly and society have suffered because of the diminished role they now play in a culture that does not value them. Would they not have had some sound advice about buying on credit and not saving after living through the great depression that might have prevented the current financial crisis that we are in?He suggests that elderly people began harvesting their wisdom, as he called it, by doing a life review. You look back on your life in 7 year segments. And think about who did I know during those 7 years? What events went on? What happened in that phase that contributed to who I am and my life? This helps you determine who you are and your mission. Gifts+vision+values+passion=mission. There is alot more but I thought that would be interesting to look back at one's life and ask those questions. We also had a speaker that talked about elder abuse and just some surprising statistics that she gave: the majority of elders that are abused live in their own homes, are females over 80 and are abused by family members. She ended with reading this following letter that I have heard many times, supposedly left behind by an elderly person and found after they died, that may or may not be true but it always brings tears to my eyes and reminds me that I owe the people that I have been hired to assist my very best:
What do you see, nurse... what do you see?
Are you thinking - when you look at me: "A crabbed old woman, not very wise;
Uncertain of habit with far-away eyes, Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice 'I do wish you'd try.'"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe;
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you're thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse. You're not looking at me!
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still.
As I move at your bidding, eat at your will:
I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another;
- A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon a love she'll meet;
- A bride at twenty, my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep;
- At twenty-five now I have young of my own
Who need me to build a secure, happy home.
- A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast.
Bound together with ties that should last.
- At forty, my young sons have grown up and gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;
- At fifty once more babies play 'round my knee
Again we know children, my loved ones and me...
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm an old woman now, and nature is cruel.
'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart.
There is a stone where I once had a heart.
I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last;
So open your eyes, nurse, open and see...
not a crabbed old woman.
Look closer... see me
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